The Cavern

This last week I found myself trapped in a cave, and facing the possibility of severe damage and even death. It was very painful and frightening, but I was not allowed the emotion of fear. Fear would have stolen my strength far quicker than the hypothermia, and had I panicked my rescue would have been near impossible. Trust was the only thing I had to hold on to; trust in those around me that they knew what they were doing, and trust in God that the ordeal was part of His plan and He would not abandon me. In many ways I was taken back to the womb: blinded, helpless, unable to speak-no strength was left in my own hands. It is a credit to God that I was indeed rescued, and that I had good friends and kind strangers by my side to see me through. What follows is the account of my journey through the cavern, and all that transpired there. I do not know all the reasons for this trial, but I do pray that God will work it to His glory and His good.




On Saturday, July 14th, 2007, I went with my Bible Study Group up to Mt. St. Helens. The plan for the day was to trek through both the upper and lower Ape Caves. The upper was said to be a nice, easy cave that ended in a low tunnel one could crawl through, and the lower was said to be the more treacherous and difficult of the two. I was told little about the lower cave other than that it was harder, and at some point there would be an eight foot vertical lava wall we would have to scramble over.

Since my newest medicine, clonodine, has been helping my neurological disability immensely, I foresaw little likelihood of there being a problem. At the worst, I assumed I might have to go through the caves a bit slower and take lots of breaks. Continuing with the deadly game of assumptions, I left my blood pressure monitor and extra jacket in the car in order to pack lighter. I also took along only the smaller of the two first aid kits I had with me, deciding that there would be no need for the larger one with its survival blanket and hand warmers. (Who would need to keep warm in a cave?)

The trip through the upper Ape cave went well, and was quite fun. At the end of it, I even braved the small tunnel to the end where I had to crawl on my belly for a while. Since I felt fine and was more energized by the trek than exhausted, I foresaw no problem continuing on to the second cave. I did try to make sure I stayed in a group of four when possible in this cave however, as I did not like being separated from everyone. Ian and I traveled most the cave together, and after talking to Mike about wanting some sort of buddy/group system, Mike and Anton rounded out our party.

Throughout the cave Ian was sniffling, and as no one had any Kleenex eventually I improvised and came up with some duplicate check copies that worked somewhat. (As for why I had my checkbook and not Kleenex - well I had not been through a cave in a long time. My backpack was a bit random and only half of it useful.) Once we were back at the entrance to the cave, however, Ian decided he would go back up to the relatively nearby outhouse to grab tissue. No one else in the group wanted to wait for him to get back. I offered to go with Ian, and it was somehow vaguely decided that Ian and I would go for tissue, the rest of the group would continue to the lower cave, and someone might or might not wait up for us. I did protest at this, but not terribly loudly or insistently, despite that I found it troubling.

No sooner had the rest of the group moved on than Ian and I faced a challenge - getting back up out of the cave. We had gone down a series of steps into the cave, I had given no thought to going back up the same steps. It was far harder than I expected going up them, and for the last half Ian had to support me. It was also an uphill trek to the outhouse of some goodly distance, but Ian helped me along that as well. Once we got a supply of tissue we headed back, and Jonathan met us along the trail. It was much easier going downhill, and I had recovered enough by the time we reached the lower cave to begin the journey through it.

It started out pleasantly enough. While the ground was more uneven than the first cave, there was little difference except from rock piles to the sides. I almost scrambled over one for fun, but we decided to keep going in hopes of catching up to everyone else. According to Jonathan, they were planning to wait up at the wall for us. So we kept going, and eventually the optional rock piles turned into mandatory ones. After climbing over the first which took some tricky maneuvering, we all hoped there would not be many more of them.

But more there were, and many. The trek became exhausting, scrambling over piles that were at first fun but quickly became a chore to get over. An hour of this and we were only a quarter in, and I was not holding up well. I began stumbling frequently and my muscles kept giving way. I usually had warning enough to sit down before I completely collapsed, and many of our breaks were initiated in this manner. I would almost fall, sit down, and then we would stop until I could go on. These pauses became longer and more frequent as the trek continued. Somewhere in this time I recall hearing Mike talking to Jonathan, but I never saw him. I thought I had imagined it until Jonathan confirmed it later, actually. Mike moved up ahead again, and Jonathan told us that the eight foot wall was just up ahead. The wall was not, but there was a funny lava fall we climbed up that we mistook for the wall until we encountered the real one later.

A little before the halfway point, I fell and grabbed a rock. I sat down and knew I was not going anywhere for some time, so I read to Ian and Jonathan from 'At the Back of the North Wind' for some time. We knew then it was going to be very, very slow going. While not necessarily a problem, we had no way of really contacting the group beyond hoping some of them would wait and we would run into the. Considering how slow we were going, however, I feared it unlikely.

I put the book away and we continued on. The next time I had to take a major break, I no longer had the vocal strength to read. Then came the wall, eight feet of rock I was not looking forward to climbing over. I had not realized how depleted my strength was at this point either, so even with Jonathan pushing me up the wall it was extremely difficult. I could barely push myself up and for some reason it hurt immensely. I kept bashing my knees and hands against the hard stone which did not help either. But Jonathan got me over - and I collapsed on the other side. I crawled over to the wall and huddled there in a complete breakdown while waiting for the guys. I could not stand up nor even use my arms to prop myself up, my muscles were on strike. My whole body was in pain so I just sat there for about ten minutes crying like a child while Ian and Jonathan kept me company.

I just wanted out of that cave - I could not stand the thought of two more hours of climbing over rocks and was kicking myself for going in the first place. It was true we had had no idea how difficult the cave was going to be, but I should have taken more precaution. I had prayed many times to God about the trip, and had never received a 'No' or even a warning, so I had made the mistake of assuming I was better than I was. I wanted to be able to go in the caves with the group, so I disillusioned myself into thinking I was capable. That said, I was not prepared for how bad it was actually getting. My neurological movement disorder mostly causes me to have convulsions, and while pain, balance problems, and falling were common as well, they were not to the extent I was experiencing in that cave. I had not fallen in near a month and my pain levels had mostly dissipated while on my medication, so I also was not prepared for either to return - especially not with such a vengeance.

I eventually got up and moving again, but we made little progress. My voice was growing quieter and I remained weak. My strength would come and go and the pain was overwhelming me. I broke down several times, though I hid my crying when I could. Both my companions were very concerned, but all we could do was get through the cave as quickly as we could while going as slow as I needed. We were feeling a breeze by then, so that gave us some hope that there was indeed an exit and we would get out.

Just a small ways past the halfway mark, I knew I was about to fall and so grabbed a rock to sit on like I had been doing prior. Only this time when I sat, I went completely limp, fell off the rock and went crashing to the cave floor. Needless to say, that was not pleasant. Ian sat me up and propped me against him so I would not fall, and I could barely move. I had a complete meltdown again, and ended up crying and praying for some time but my voice came out haltingly and soft.

It was then I realized I was cold. I did not even really feel cold, beyond an abstract sense deep inside that I was frozen. I may have shivered while I was crying, but I do not recall it. Instead, my first awareness was when I grabbed the boys' hands while I was praying, and realized my skin was ice. Then everything became ice, like I was freezing from the inside out. Ian and Jonathan both gave me their coats, and it was decided that Jonathan would continue on and try to get help and connect with the main group. I was not going anywhere for a long time.

So Ian and I remained. I was still crying, weakly, but was mostly just trying to stay conscious. The thought of melting to the floor and giving into sleep was most tempting. I wished I had brought the kit with the survival blanket, as I knew I needed to retain as much heat as I possibly could. My skin was white, my voice pretty much gone. Ian and I let one small group pass, but it was becoming apparent that I was not going to last long enough for our own group to arrive. I asked Ian to ask the next passing group for a blanket. It was not really whispering as there was not much air behind my words, I think the only thing that let me be audible at all was the sheer silence around us. I began to convulse, though weakly. My only real movement was jerking and twitching. Ian helped me to eat and drink regularly as I had been trying to do throughout the cave trip. It hurt to laugh and was hard to talk, so mostly Ian just kept me company and keep me from head diving to the cave floor again.

Shortly, another group did come by, and Ian asked for a blanket. Fortunately they had a survival blanket, and while it did nothing to warm me up it insulated what little heat I had left. One of the girls in the group had a jacket which I think she put over my legs. They stayed with us for a few minutes checking over me, and another group which may have known the first joined them. There were three Marks, a Bob, and Liz who had given me her jacket - the other names I never got. They asked me mine, but as I could barely speak I got called everything from Jene' to Shania over the next hour. One Mark tested my responses: My 'squeeze' was barely more than a touch, and I could not 'pull' on his hand at all, it simply would not move. My pulse was extremely faint.

They were not willing to leave as I was blanched, icy, and not all that coherent or together. It would be an estimated hour and a half at a very fast pace before Jonathan and any help would return, and at the rate I was fading they had to get me out. It was a treacherous cave to begin with, but carrying someone would make it all that harder. Two of the Marks decided to fireman carry me, making a seat of their arms and having my arms over their shoulders. To add to the complications, the added light of all the new headlamps and lanterns was too much for me; the bright light was increasing my convulsions and triggering them more frequently. To combat this, I had them push my hat down and closed my eyes.

The fireman carry did not work for long. I was so weak that I could not help them by supporting any of my own weight at all, and whenever I almost fainting I would nearly slide off entirely. When I almost fell backwards onto the rocks, they put me down and began strategizing. It was over forty minutes to the cave exit moving quickly, and my hypothermia was far past the beginning stages into moderately severe. I was in severe pain, though they did not know it. I could not speak up enough to correct them on that point. They could see that I was in shock and that I was convulsing however, and were not sure how to proceed with my extraction from the cave.

It was either Bob or a Mark that came up with the idea of a makeshift stretcher. Jackets were laid on the ground and belts slung through. I was lifted and some people carried my feet, others my back, and others my head. It worked surprisingly well despite my jerking. My eyes being closed, it was a lot like floating actually. One of the Mark's rubbed my arm trying to restore circulation, but had to stop as it was making my jerking worse. (I have a hundred plus points on my body that can trigger everything from twitching to extreme pain depending how they are pressed) He was also the one that nicely 'bullied' me into not just staying awake but trying to will myself better. He told me 'God helps those who help themselves' at one point, which was perhaps not the most apt considering I was basically helpless at that point.

But the warm jackets and insulation was working, getting me away from any contact with the cold cave floors and wall probably helped as well. My strength was not returning, but my control was. They were having trouble carrying me in the 'stretcher' over the rock piles, and eventually reached one they feared they could not cross. Mark asked if I could move, I replied quietly that I would try. They took off my makeshift blindfold so I could see where I was going.

Fortunately, I was able to move myself by then. Unfortunately, I had no strength to back it up with. They strung a belt through the back of my pants and a Mark held up each of my arms. I would position my feet and hands as best I could, and they would provide the strength to carry the movement through. The lights were causing my convulsions to increase again in severity however, so once again I had to blind myself with my hat. We made progress slowly in this manner, with them directing me.

I found this portion of the journey strangely comforting even while it was disquieting. I could not see and was helpless in my own strength, but I still had to step out and move in faith based on what little direction I was given. In much the same way, God leads us. We cannot see the extent of the cave or how each step effects our journey, but we have to take the steps nonetheless. We can choose whether or not to follow the directions put there to keep us safe, and if we rely on our own strength we will fail.

Things did get better from then on. I gained more strength as we moved, though my limbs would still randomly collapse. I hit my head (not hard) on the ceiling once when they forgot to warn me. After a time I was able to put my hat back where it belonged and turn on my headlamp to see my way, and near the end I think Ryan Saunders and Jonathan appeared. I am not sure actually, they might have met us at the exit - but I think we met them along the way. My memories of that bit are rather blurred, although I remember Ryan making a Damsel in Distress comment.

By the end of the long trek I was able to climb the exit ladder on my own with a Mark spotting me. I could even talk well enough to thank people and make sure everyone got their things back, even if I was still quiet. They sat me down and I rested there for a long time. A few others from the 20cf group showed up, and they told me to eat something sugary so I went through half of Ryan Wike's trail mix (it had m&ms, those count!). I had warmed over the long rescue and in the bright sun was recovering my normal temperature. Actually I felt quite warm, but it was a bit before I took my sweater off. Eventually the friendly cave people melted away to do their own things and it was just me and the few people from 20cf.

After about a half hour of resting there, I felt I was ready to move on. I was a bit worried, as Jonathan said it was quite a ways to hike down the mountain. But it was downhill, and we could go slow. So I got up - and just then the paramedic rescue team showed up.

The two young men, David and Dusty, checked me over. I got stuck with a lot of electrodes and they made a wiggly graph of something though I do not know what. My blood pressure was amazingly fine. (Well, ok, they said it was low - but it was pretty high for me.) They wanted me to go to the hospital but I declined, figuring I would get better in time now that I was out of the cave. Eventually they conceded but decided to follow me down the trail.

So we all made a strange party, a bunch of guys and one very slow girl ambling down the trail. My jerking was pretty minor, and I had just under half my usual strength back, so I was not especially worried. I was glad to be out! It was much better to be making progress in the open then trapped underground far away from help. Ian helped support my weight, and I thought I was out of the woods.

Part way down though, I completely collapsed again. Like in the cave, I could not stand up on my own or get my body to support itself. Unlike in the cave, the convulsions that followed were not minor. I have had worse episodes in the past and at least I was not flailing all over the place, but my jerking was still pretty severe. The guys got jackets and stuff under my head, Ian gave me my sweater to squeeze, and Ryan Wike started playing with the grass. (I think that was so it would not hit my face, and if any ever did hit my face I do not remember it, so I guess it worked ^.^)

As time went on I was just getting worse, and David the paramedic guy (not David the 20cf guy who was also there) had to call for Dusty so he had permission to actually do anything - apparently there had to be two of them. David then started me on an IV (ow!). It was a good thing I had my sweater to squeeze in my right hand or I could not have kept my left arm as still as I could so as not to disturb the IV line. They started pumping something called VERS-ED? in me that was supposed to stop my jerking. Instead, my convulsions were just gettign worse even after four doses. During this they radios for a stretcher, as it did not look like I would be able to move on my own anytime soon.

It was a long wait, but I had several people with me. Ironically I had a prayer answered during this time, albeit in an unexpected way, so I had much to meditate on the nature of God meeting people's desires and needs as I lay there. Most my ambient pain I had in the cave had dissipated by now, though some of my larger jerks caused uncomfortable body positioning - but overall I was not too discomfited in comparison to the cave. I did not want those around me to be worrying though, and that did in turn worry me.

Everyone was very kind however, which was a great comfort. In the past, when my condition has escalated to make such jerking episodes very common, I have had to get used to spending hours convulsing alone in my room. (It is not a bad thing, just realistic. I could not torture my mom or sister by making them stay every time.) So I was very glad not to be alone.

David got me started on oxygen as well, which was kind of cool but wierd. At this point I was quite amiable to the idea of a hospital, though I might not have been had I known how far away it was. I am not sure if the ambulence was called for along with the stretcher or after, but after a long time the stretcher came and I was loosely strapped in.

It was still a ways down the mountain, but besides my convulsions and weakness I was not doing too terribly. I was trying very, very hard not to cry though -I felt very much like a burden and even thoguh that is a stupid thing to think, it is what I was feeling. So many times when I try to reach out, things just backfire. I wanted to experience the mountain with everyone and try to connect with that part of their lives I previously could not of - only it turned out I still could not no matter how hard I prayed. Ironically I was getting to experience the mountain - but while being carried on a gurney.

When we reached the bottom, the rest of the 20cf cave group was there. I remember wishing that I could take a moment to assure everyone I would be all right, but I was immediately loaded into the ambulence. I heard talk of someone following the ambulence, and I saw some very concerned faces - but then the ambulence doors closed. I knew everyone would be praying for me thoguh, and that gave me some comfort.

The two hour ride that followed was most definately the worst part of my day however, even moreso than when I was freezing to death in the cave (albeit not as life-threatening). They strapped me down so tightly that while convulsing I could not move, so the tension just went everywhere through me and it was similar to light electrocution. They did not explain that I could open my mouth to breath while on the oxygen tube so when my nose stuffed up I struggled to breath for some time before the lady got me some tissue and explained how it worked. And they jabbed my fingers twice to make them bleed and those spots still hurt.

I began experiencing extreme abdominal pain so severe the lady nurse began pumping some strange pain medication into my IV. [Pain like that has only happened once before when I had a similar episode when I collapsed during a show at the theater and was taken to the emergency room, and also began experiencing crippling pain in my torso. They never found out why (especially when their 'oh she must be pregnant' theory was proven wrong :P They did not believe me and had to check anyway *sigh*).] The nurse pumped more meds in as I was crying and trying hard not to panic, and as the dose increased my pain blessedly decreased in increments.

For the last half hour of the ride I was pain free and mym convulsions had nearly subsided completely. At that point, I was just bored and napped in between the nurse checking up on me to pass the time.

We finally got to the hospital and me and the three boys that followed were all tired. I was doing well, if a bit weak, but that did not stop the hospital from a battery of tests, more electrodes, and getting my blood taken. I also had to tell the cave story five or six times to every new nurse, so when the doctor at last came I just gave him a two minute summary. We had to wait on the bloodwork, so we did not get out of there until after 1:30 am.

The bloodwork showed I had hypoklemia, or a very low blood potassium level. They gave me potassium pills and a subscription, and told me to eat more bananas. I am pretty sure it is not a chronic condition or my past, frequent bloodworks would have shown the condition.

So we all drove back to the camp, stopping at McDonald's for a brief caffiene burst via pop, and arrived around 4am. Lisa and Matt gave up their tent for the four of us and we briefly greeted and assured the others that woke up that I was alive and brreathing. The four of us then went to bed and the crazy day came to a close.

The next day and Monday I was mostly fine, if a bit slower than usual in movement and slightly weaker, but since Tuesday things have been going downhill again. My ambient pain and especially my back pain have significantly increased, and I seem to just be getting weaker rather than recovering. I have cancelled my volunteering activities but even getting aroung the house is difficult. I am taking hour breaks for every half hour I do anything active like clean or eat. If this follows the usual cyclic pattern of my disability, it will get worse before it gets better.

So for those reading this - please keep me in your prayers. Remaining calm, enduring, and getting good rest are all crucial to recovery and none come easily to me. I will not be participating in too many active events for a while, but I will still see everyone at 20cf. So thank you in advance. It is a great blessing to have friends, and God has graced me with all of you.